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Sometimes I regret deleting Discord. Even though it's until exams are over (at the end of the month), I made some good friends there, and I can't talk to them until the month is over.

And speaking of exams, I've done nothing to study for it. I told myself I would, and I didn't deliver. Every time I pick up the pen, I can't handle it and just go off and do my own thing. I promised people I would, and I didn't. More importantly, I'm letting myself down. I don't know if it's too late. People are telling me my rank is important. Those same people tell me it's not. Who or what the fuck do I believe? Maybe it's not something I'll be worrying about later and then I can shelve this as cringe-worthy shit, but right now it's shaking me.

Also, it's cruel that a lot of art stuff that I genuinely want to do is done during this time. I really wanted to do Jazza's animation challenge. I really wanted to do Inktober. And I asked to be part of an art competition. I'm gonna have to drop it. Plus I have my own animation to worry about. This one is one that I really do want to get done as well. Then again, by the time I get to do these sorts of things, it's work all over again. Yes, it's animation, but I might not get time to fit in extra stuff I want to do.

And I also applied for a job. That means if I get said job, I get less time to talk to people. Less time to do the animation. Less time to do what I want to do. What's pissing me off is that people were excited about me applying for a job that I'm not passionate about. Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of applying for a part time job. I like the idea of stacking shelves in the daytime, at night, or working with food. But it is not my passion or desire to do this every single day for 40-50 years. Why is it that my passion for animation is being overlooked? Heck, even my annoying as fuck brother's baking is praised more than I am overall.

Reading something like this, one would say "Give up if you don't want this," or "Keep pushing through this, try your hardest", or "Do what you need to do," or "This is your life; live it the way you want to." And maybe I'd do one of these things later. Right now, after getting the attention that I don't want, they all suck.
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October 5, 2017
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